I dare say we’ve all received one of these compelling sub-Saharan solicitations from some diligent panjandrum. Though they can’t usually spell, they normally head up an august financial institution that has, by some freak of fortuity, been endowed with untold riches which, but for some bureaucratic boobery, should be sitting in your current account.
What amazes me is that some lubricious bazaar tout is still sitting in his tawdry Lagos misery hole, spending time contriving these wonderfully ungrammatical, pseudo-official missives and dispatching them in their thousands to junkmail boxes accross the globe. However, what’s actually even more improbable is that it’s clearly still worthwhile. The swindle would be pointless if someone, somewhere, didn’t actually look at something like this (infra) and think, ‘Yes, I will send my bank details forthwith to Nigeria, possibly pen my resignation letter after my elevenses and then just wait for the cash to roll in from the Senate Committee for Overdue Contract Fund [sic].’
I’ll give them something, though, they spin a good yarn. In the case of my recent correspondence, it was the peremptory, “ATTENTION BENEFICIARY” that first arrested me, but the mysterious intervention of the enigmatic, “Mrs Milinda Willis” also provided an ineluctable draw, luring me deeper into the web of seamless deception… I read the entire correspondence. For once, it did pay off. About six lines from the bottom…
Funnily enough, I did piss myself…
THIS IS TO NOTIFY YOU THAT YOUR OVER DUE CONTRACT FUNDS HAS BEE
GAZZETED TO BE RELEASED, VIA KEY TELEX TRANSFER (KTT) – DIRECT WIRE
TRANSFER TO YOU OR THROUGH OUR OFFSHORE OFFICE BY THE SENATE
COMMITTEE FOR FOREIGN OVER DUE FUND TRANSFER.MEANWHILE, A WOMAN M/S
MILINDA WILLIS CAME TO MY OFFICE FEW DAYS AGO WITH LETTER, CLAIMING TO
BE YOUR TRUE REPRESENTATIVE. HERE ARE HER INFORMATION’S:
NAME MILINDA WILLIS
BANK NAME: CITI BANK
BANK ADDRESS: CALIFORNIA, USA.
ACCOUNT Number: 6503809428.
PLEASE,DO RECONFIRM TO THIS OFFICE ,AS A MATTER OF URGENCY IF THIS
WOMAN IS FROM YOU SO THAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WILL NOT BEHELD
RESPONSIBLE FOR PAYING INTO THE WRONG ACCOUNT NAME.
IF THIS WOMAN IS NOT YOUR REPRESENTATIVE, YOU ARE REQUESTED TO FILL
AND SEND THIS INFORMATION’S FOR VERIFICATIONS PURPOSES SO THAT YOUR
FUND VALID 17.5 MILLION DOLLARS WILL BE REMITTED INTO YOUR NOMINATED
BANK ACCOUNT THIS FUND IS AS A RESULT OF CONTRACT PAYMENT ON YOUR
1. YOUR NAME:…
2. YOUR FULL ADDRESS:..
3. YOUR TELEPHONE….
7. YOUR OCCUPATION ……………
8. YOUR VALID ACCOUNT DETAILS:…………
9. A COPY OF YOUR IDENTITY…………
AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE THIS, WE WILL COMMENCE WITH ALL NECESSARY
PROCEDURES IN ORDER TO REMIT THIS MONEY INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. THE
BOARD OF DIRECTORS AND THE SENATE COMMITTEE FOR FOREIGN OVERDUE
CONTRACT FUND HAVE APPROVED AND ACCREDITED THIS REPUTABLE BANK
WITH THE OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR,INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE : FOREIGN
OPERATIONS,TO HANDLE AND TRANSFER ALL FOREIGN CONTRACT FUNDS THIS
FIRST QUARTER PAYMENT OF THE YEAR.
HOWEVER,WE SHALL PROCEED TO ISSUE ALL PAYMENTS DETAILS TO THE SAID
MRS.WILLIS, IF WE DO NOT HEAR FROM YOU WITHIN THE NEXT SEVEN WORKING
DAYS FROM TODAY.
WE ARE SORRY FOR ANY INCONTINENCE THE DELAY IN TRANSFERRING OF THIS
FUND MUST HAVE CAUSED YOU,
REPLY AS SOON AS POSSIBLE YOU RECEIVED THIS EMAIL; (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Mobile Line +22968750428