Mull on the Floss…

I do a lot of strategic thinking in the bathroom. I say ‘bathroom’. Obviously, I mean the lavatory. It’s a haven, a retreat, an impregnable bastion surrounded by Arthurian mists – and other impenetrable miasmas… Anyway, it’s a place to think, to reflect, to ruminate upon the grand dilemmas of the day. Like dental floss. I’ve got a lot of time for dental floss. For years, I’d never comtemplated it, but you only have to use it once to realise, ‘I need this stuff in my life.’

I remember the first time I used dental floss. It was an apalling revelation. Drawing the floss through my teeth to reveal the decaying ‘bunting’ of the day’s fare hanging like cadaverous bait on a chum line, made me recognise just how indispensable it is. How could you possibly contemplate meeting the world with a mouthful of carrion in your teeth? Talking to people would be like wafting gas off a corpse. Well, perhaps not that bad, but you see what I’m saying. It was alarming…

That having been said, though I’m now a compulsive flosser, I suppose I neglect my gnashers in other respects. I haven’t actually been to the dentist for at least a decade. I think most proper men don’t. As long as there’s still something solid rooted in the gums capable of grinding up a ham sandwich, we know we’re pretty much ok. That’s how I see it. I can chew, I’m not in pain, what’s the problem?

However, I do have to say, I have been contemplating a trip to the dentist. I’m not really susceptible to the flux of modern mores or obsessions, but having fallen foul of The Only Way is Essex once or twice, I have to say, my dental confidence has been shaken. Initially I had thought TOWIE was a welcome revival of the popular PG Tips adverts of old – albeit with very well-groomed chimpanzees – but I understand that the show does feature actual sentient human beings. It reflects how some people live these days and seems to influence what are deemed acceptable standards of personal appearance… Well, in certain circles. Now, whilst I reiterate that I’m reasonably resistant to the dogma of popular culture, I have become somewhat conscious of the fact that I haven’t got ‘TOWIE teeth’. Has anyone in the real world though? A couple of the wipe-down PVC dolly birds featured on the show seem to have bridgework of translucent porcelain backlit with 800 watt lights… By comparison, I suddenly feel like I’m flashing some sort of tarnished scrimshaw smile. Or something that might appear in the mouth of a Pharoah in the British Museum…

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’ve got what the Yanks used to think of as, ‘British teeth’ – my choppers aren’t that bad; it’s just that as a man who drinks at least seven pints of strong tea a day, and enjoys the occasional cheroot, they ain’t exactly luminous alabaster. The lower nibblers, which must take the full force of the regular Typhoo tsunami, are particularly bad. Thankfully, unlike some of the local slackjaws, I don’t have the sort of underbite which might betray this. So, whilst I probably won’t actually get round to doing anything about this dental staining, I do now have yet one more gnawing obsession to undermine my gentlemanly composure…

Still, if any of the cast of TOWIE were erudite, charismatic, possessed of a quiet sang froid and delicatesse, and knew how to swing a gamp with a flourish, I might be really worried. For, even in this brash modern world, Dear Reader, what are the qualities that really matter? Eh?

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One Response to Mull on the Floss…

  1. Well as long as they are real nad not a set of dentures you have hope.Visiting from Blog club group G

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