Thatcher in Falklands Shame! (A nonesense pastiche of this week’s commentaries)

Stunning new revelations have emerged regarding the dispicable cruelty of the late Definitely-Not-Missus-Margaret-Lady-or-Baroness Thatcher – or “Thatcher” for short. Not only has it emerged that she forced Jimmy Saville to abuse millions of children against his will, tied Sepoys to cannons during the Indian Mutiny, conceived the Final Solution and trained the 9/11 bombers, it has now been revealed by a reliable and entirely impartial source (Mr K. Livingstone Esq), that she personally launched the torpedo that sunk the Argentine pleasure cruiser General Belgrano.

As is now well known, the pleasure cruiser General Belgrano was in fact on a mercy mission to the Falklands, packed to the gunwales with prime Argentine corn beef to sustain them during the Coal Martyrs Rebellion..

The Daily Working Man’s twelve year old political communist  columnist communist , Owen Johns, takes up the story:

“The murder of the Argentine pleasure cruiser Corporal Belgrano was a catastophic catastrophe which still poisons British society with poison. The cargo of prime corned beef was a genorous gift from the Argentine people, each of whom had humanely slaughtered their first born cow in an act of solidarity with their compadres in The Islas de Las Malvinas Islands. But the bond between these two working peoples runs even deeper…

Eleven years before the sinking of the Belgrano, in a little-known precursor to the later atrocity, Thatcher had ruthlessly confiscated school milk from the ragged and barefoot children of Port Stanley’s coal mining communities. Being barren and expressing only Sarson’s malt vinegar, Thatcher! needed fresh milk to wean her own scaly lizard children. Uncaring that the ruddy-cheeked scamps of Stanley’s coal mining community used municipal milk to flush the coal dust from their big working class ears, she pitilessly stole their birthright. (In a pathetic footnote, many of the children have since become profoundly deaf, and in despair have cut off their ears and sold them to Romanian bacon factories.)

Like a hatchet-faced milk vampire, Thatcher! siphoned the creamy beverage out of the veins of Port Stanley’s coal mining community, grinning verminously from under a metaphorical milk moustache, which made her seem a bit like a man. In fact, she really did seem a bit like a man. At taxpayer’s expense, she then had it flown 8000 miles back to London in a Handley Page Victor refuelling aircraft, which circled Carol Thatcher’s head and squirted milk at her face.

Outraged by this ruthless act of lacto-larceny, the Argentine people vowed to assist their brothers in The Las Malvinas by any means necessary. Smashing Admiral Thatcher’s! Maritime Exclusion Zone, they ran illicit beef milk into Port Stanley to sustain the undernourished children. The little working class tykes would rush down to the quayside, their clogs sparking off the cobbles, as they shouted, “Merci monsieur!!” It was a heart-warming spectacle, and it didn’t matter that the milk tasted faintly of chorizo.

Eleven years later, the brave Argentinianites tried to run the blockade again, but this time they did not have fortune nor the laws of war on their side… Oh no…

This time, Generalismo Thatcher was ready, and deliberately sank the Cross Channel Hovercraft Belgrano, even though tins of Fray Bentos cornbeef could clearly be seen stscked on the deck of the ship…

Attacking a cornbeef mercy ship, laden with meaty humanitarian aid (and incidentally full of Palestinian orphans) is in contravention of all the laws of war. But even as Brigadier-General of the High Seas Murder Fleet, Thatcher! leafed through the Articles of War to double check that she was indeed perpetrating a heinous violation of all that is sainted, she resolved to make one last sickening gesture…

Pulling a piece of chalk filched from the stationery cupboard of the lately murdered GLC, she scrawled a heartless message of hate on the warhead of the torpedo. It read, according to one eye witness (Leading Bilge Technician Livingstone), ‘Take this from Maggie, you filthy Argie sea-gauchos!’ Then she rammed home the torpedo and coldly unleashed the terror weapon, slaughtering literally millions of  Argentine sailors. and scattering mercy meat to the heavens.

I’ve completely lost the thread now, but that pretty much tells you all you need to know about the woman who destroyed Britain and sank the Falkland Islands.”

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